Oh how I wish this was not the case . I spent years numbing my emotions. Not consciously but it was often what I was doing.
Numbing my stress with a few glasses of wine at night. Numbing my loneliness and unworthiness by working to hard. Numbing my fear and anger with sugar or as Brene so wonderfully says ‘with banana nut muffins’. And there are many other ways it can be done too – shopping, over-excercising as a form of running from myself, social media, people pleasing, care-taking others, control, perfectionism, caffeine, TV as a way of avoiding reality. The list goes on
And at some point, many years ago now, I learnt the hard lesson that this quote points to. I found myself feeling pretty depressed, flat, busy and unhappy with life. Depression can often be repressed anger and, my busyness was trying to cover up my anxiety. But in trying to numb these emotions, not sit with them, allow them, accept them, work with them, I also found myself unable to feel real joy, connection, love, gratitude, peace.
As I have gone on my compassionate self-awareness journey and come face to face with my past and present, with my fears, anger and pain, with who I am and with who I am not, in fact the deeper I have gone, the more deep hurt I have acknowledge within myself, the more joy, love, connection, self-respect, inner freedom and self compassion I have also learnt to hold.
It may not be an easy journey, feeling painful emotions, but it is a journey that has brought me more fully into relationship with myself and with life. It is a journey full of richness, authenticity and meaning. A journey of learning to feel everything there is to feel as part of being human, as part of being alive. A journey which today I feel very grateful for (even when it hurts!).
With great warmth