It was one of the most painful experiences of my life when I could no longer deny that I needed to leave my relationship AND I was still in love with my partner.
The cutting ache in my heart, the sweeping anxiety in my belly, the sinking feeling of despair felt almost overwhelming in that moment. I sobbed. The room spun. I felt light headed. I felt sick to my stomach.
But instead of falling into old patterns of resisting, numbing and running from the pain, or worst yet completely denying this truth in my relationship which this quote captures so beautifully, I stayed with myself in a deeply loving and compassionate way.
And you know what I found? I found these emotions didn’t have to be riptides to get lost in; they could wash over me like waves. I still felt love for my ex and when this arose I let that love wash over me. I also felt anger, and I allowed that to wash over me. The more I allowed the emotions I was feeling to rise up, without kicking and screaming against them, the more refreshed I felt when they had passed.
I stayed with the sensations of these emotions in my body, for example that sinking feeling in my belly when I’d wake up in the morning and realise my partner wasn’t there. In that moment I would breathe into my belly, place my hand there, feel its soothing warmth, place my other hand on my heart and say to myself “aahhh this is really hard….May I be safe. May I be loved. May I be healthy. May I find my way through this with an open heart” and then gently and slowly get out of bed and take myself off for a hot shower.
It wasn’t easy yet it’s a time I look back on now with deep respect for myself and for the process of holding myself in compassionate self-awareness. It may sound a funny thing to say but I now feel truly honoured to have had the chance to be with myself in this deeply compassionate way, I have a stronger friendship with myself, I’m more trusting of myself and I even take more risks than ever before with my vulnerable, very human heart.
Can you relate?
With great warmth
Heather
